The Samhainator

[BumSpud]

Silence, except for the sound of distant traffic. We're in a deserted schoolyard, a forgotten place of chainlink fences and dirty cardboard boxes. It's a place of spraycan heiroglyphics and dim streetlight shadows. On one side lies the imposing facade of the neighbourhood Retard Academy, a ramshackle place where the local delinquents try miserably to comprehend the concept of education. Against the Forceful Correction classroom, a dark, beaten dumpster looms in the night. A cat creeps into the field of our vision, prowling the landscape of trash and shadow for something worth scavenging. The cat freezes in it's nocturnal activities, it's ears pricked up as if it senses something just beyond the scope of human perception.


A sudden wind arises, scattering old newspapers and litter across the cracked pavements. The cat scurries quickly under the dumpster. The windows of the Retard Academy rattle in their rotting wooden frames. The scene is suddenly ablaze with cold, purple light as a booming concussion like a hissy fit from a neglected thunder god shatters all the windows facing the yard. The cat's eyes widen as the glare slowly dies. Electrical discharges arc from the metal dumpster to a water faucet and climb the drainpipe.


The sound of stray electrical crackling fades, and we see a naked man kneeling in the middle of the previously empty yard. He slowly rises, and we see he is in his late teens and built like an anorexic whippet. His face has that ageless, dreamlike quality only posessed by those with an extra chromosome in their genetic makeup, and is dominated by his eyes, redrimmed and slowly revolving in their sockets. His hair is a greasy, unkempt mane, kept in the manner of every dysfunctional teenage Goth. He glances down, taking a careful inventory of himself. He struggles to locate his genetalia, until he moves a stray pubic hair. He notices a fine layer of white ash on his entire body, which he brushes at girlishly in case it irritates his extremely sensitive skin.


This man... is the Samhainator.


The Samhainator minces towards the schoolyard fence, beyond which an embankement rolls down into darkness towards the streetlit cityscape below. The Retard Academy is perched at the edge of a promontory offering a depressing view of the teeming concrete sprawl as it glistens sickly under a sullen sky. The night sky is occasionally lit by flashes of thunder racing through the dark, angry clouds, trying to warn those that would listen of the impending thunderstorm. The Samhainator stands, hands on hips, flexing his battle-scarred buttocks in anticipation, as he gazes down at the teeming city.

[BumSpud]

Lounging on the darkened jungle gym of an empty playground, three gang members guzzle cheap cola and trade Pokemon cards with stifled giggles. The leader, a five-year-old called Kevin P. Asscan, notices something and sits up. He gets the attention of the other two members by grunting authoratatively and motions to something approaching them.

"There's a strange man coming. Remember Mom said not to talk to them. If he offers you sweeties, run."

Naked in a pool of harsh streetlight, the Samhainator strides purposefully towards the young toughs. They drop easily from their perches like liquid shadows, ready to run like buggery if this nude retard shows even the slightest inclination to touch their willies.

The Samhainator stops in front of them. He eyes the three kids, then a skinny arm snakes out with deadly accuracy to grab the Scooby-Doo T-shirt of the nearest kid.

"I need your shoes, your clothes, and your tricycle".

The other two children scream and disappear like smoke into the bosom of the night. The third child, Timmy, merely screams as the Samhainator yanks him closer. Timmy wets himself, squirting hot urine into his pants with the fear of what this pervert is going to do next. The Samhainator strips the kid with almost-robotic efficiency, although he does allow himself the small pleasure of humming 'It's Raining Men' as he slowly removes the boy's steaming underwear. As the Samhainator stops to press the damp garments to his nose and inhale deeply, the boy spots his chance and runs for home, screaming like the very demons of hell were after him, leaving his shiny red trike in the playground where the monstrosity is revelling in the scent of his piss.

The Samhainator begins to put on the boy's clothes as thunder bellows overhead.

[BumSpud]

A light rain begins to fall.


The Samhainator pedals resolutely into the street from the playground, Scooby-Doo t-shirt stretched ludicrously across his skinny frame. The tricycle groans under his weight. He pauses in a pool of light under a streetlamp, the rain streaming across his flat face and into his crazily spinning eyes. They do not blink.

[BumSpud]

Another part of the seedy underbelly of the city, a darkened street infested with dirty apartments and barricaded storefronts. The streets glisten under the deluge of the falling rain, and sporadic late night traffic is the only sound. We see the entrance to an alley lined with trashcans and fire escapes. From a dimly-lit doorway, we can see two filthy legs sprawling onto the wet, shining pavement. Above the hiss of the traffic and pattering of rain we hear the drunkard's angry monologue as he roundly curses the gaping cunt that spewed him into this world.


He shuts the fuck up as cold purple light engulfs the scene. A shockwave hurls trash and feral cats flying through the air. Painted-over windows shatter. A DeLorean hurtles into view from seemingly nowhere, it's bodywork steaming, leaving two burning tyretracks in the alley.

The passenger door opens, and a man steps out.

He's in his early twenties, with a solid, muscular frame. His face looks as if it was expertly chiseled from the finest stone by a master sculptor inspired by the Greek gods themselves.

He leans into the open door of the DeLorean to speak to the driver.

"88 miles an hour? It's a fucking joke, buddy. My dear old granny can run faster than that. Why don't you trade this heap of shit in for a TVR or a fucking Lotus? Something good, solid, British and faster than this fucking bucket. I'm thoroughly fucking dissatisfied with your service. Here's your fare, McFly, and fuck your tip. Get the fuck out of here."

The young stud hands the unseen driver a note, slams the door and walks away.

[SAMHAIN]

Aww Bumbledick you do care about me. Four post in his own little story flame thread all about me. But click on this and you'll see Bumbledick declare I was too lame to even be bothered with. But now would you look at this! I am the Samhaininator in his no plot story flame. I hate to steal material from a fatcat republican but Bumbledick would seem to be quite the flip-flopper. Not that I am disbuting whether or not I am too lame to bother with as he has said before but its still the principle of the whole thing. Drat am I killing the joy in this or what?

On with the show:
Filling the void
"Mercifully the whole thing is starting to fade, to become an episode. When I do still catch the odd feeling its spastic, mere fragments of the trama that I was put through when Sam busted into my shantie and slammed my face continously slammed my face into my monitor, stole my collection of high price AES carts, and killed my Shitzu. My right hand trembles when thinking of truely flaming again." thought Bumspud to himself in a inner monologue. That summer BumSpud had trouble doing normal things as he done before. Since his confrontation with what he thought was another average flamer in Samhain, he has been hesitant to not be burned by anyone again. The GNAA was a great crutch to get back on his feet and nailing some small timers gained back his confidence enough to make side comments about his arch-rival. But finally BumSpud managed to must the courage this week to stike back and hopefully get back into good graces with his brother and sisters of Brawl-Hall ala Regs. "I have a cunning plan" Declared BumSpud to his bird. "I will devise a story from The Terminator and change it to The Samhainator; Brilliant!!" The bird is already dead long ago when BumSpud had sex with it. It wasn't so much of the penetration fore the term "pencildick" would be an overstatement when it comes to descibing what BumSpud calls his twig and berries. But instead the death occured when Bumspud squeezed it too tightly. "Stop mocking me!!!" Cried Bumspud as he rattled its cage in a futile attempt to intimidate the rotting corpse.

"Well I think you are stupid to go against him again" Pleaded Doomsday in a private PM "You're better off gangflaming Beaver like in the olden days or best yet mod your forum"
"Its not a matter of if I win this or not" replied BumSpud "Its a matter in if I can overcome this loss and move on"
"But with that poll that was tampered with you should have no trouble in declaring victory" He said.
"He already knows that the poll was tampered" BumSpud retorted "Everything I throw at him he counters and sends it back ten fold."
"Well suit yourself, you know you are giving the regs a bad name with this attempt to save face. EvilBlood gave this place a blackeye with his goodbye and I don't want another meltdown from you."

That morning BumSpud calls into work, and spends his day hatching his story into play. "A couple of more sentences and I can own him oh goody!" Giggled BumSpud to his maggot caked bird. "I really must say its gotta be your mating season because that scent you're giving off is attracting a lot of cats and giving me a stiffy" BumSpud says as he inches toward the fly ridden cage. "You want to be the wood pecker this time and shove your beak up my ass?" he asked. The birds head rolls from his carcass as the cage moved. "Hump! Cocktease!" he said.

TO BE CONTINUED.....


Neo I know you are reading I will get to you later. You've become second priority.

[ATVile]

Well, at least you managed to get some bold-type in your posts if nothing else.


ATVile
- Oh well.

[SAMHAIN]

Originally Posted by ATVile

Well, at least you managed to get some bold-type in your posts if nothing else.


ATVile
- Oh well.

Begone Asstroll! This is between me and that destined sack of failure that is BumSpam.

[ATVile]

Silence, half-wit.

I'll go where I please and I'll head-butt whatever 'tard strikes my fancy.


ATVile
- Oh look ... you're nose is bleeding.

[Dr. Manhattan]

It seems SAMHAIN's only use around here is a springboard for popularity... even if it's such a small amount. He's only helping Neo, for example. I haven't seen him defeat anyone since I first logged in, and that's a sad story all it's own...

[NeoMonk]

Originally Posted by SWANHAIN

Neo I know you are reading I will get to you later. You've become second priority.

Take all the time you will need, SWANHAIN.

[BumSpud]

Sam, you dreary fucking dunce, story flaming really isn't your fucking forte is it? You have no wit to inject into your lifeless posts, no sense of humour to give them wings, and a dangerously limpwristed grasp on basic grammar and sentence structure. Maybe you should just sit the fuck back, and watch a fucking professonal at his creative apex.

You see Sammy, all I've been doing for the last few altercations is trying to gently introduce you to the concept of complete and utter ownership... in this thread, you'll be forced to face the harsh, brutal reality of it.

Now, shall we continue?

[BumSpud]

A deserted phone booth with cracked, smeared glass. The Samhainator is inside, thumbing through the telephone book and stopping briefly to giggle at whatever funny names his dyslexia will allow him to read. Harsh light from the traffic rakes across his pimpled face as his empty dome furrows in concentration. He looks a terrifying figure in his too-tight Scooby-Doo t-shirt and pants that some anonymous child emptied his bladder into.


We see his grimy finger, replete with dried fecal matter under the nails, running down one page of the book. He stops at the following listings:

Mr Bumble Dick
Mr Bum Spam
Mr Bum Spaz
Mr Bum Spud

His dysfunctional bobblehead leans towards the receiver and he begins to punch numbers into the grubby keypad.

[BumSpud]

BumSpud Snr struts confidently into the restaurant, his afro and medallion oozing pure undiluted machismo. You can almost hear the panties melt and slide sibiliantly down the creamy thighs of the watching honeys. He stops to nonchalantly cuff a fat kid around the head as it crams a cheeseburger into it's mouth, then continues onwards, striding effortlessly in time with the background music. He leaps into a chair at his favourite table, clicks his fingers and orders a burger meal. The acne-scarred youth looks at him nervously.

"But Bum... you work here. You're late for your shift."

"That's true, Fox, but you gotta realise that I'm givin' you the honour of personally providing me with a fucking burger. Look at all these ladies".

He sweeps a hand to gesture at the eagerly watching female clientele, the younger members of which scream with joy as his hand passes them.

"Now any one of those ladies would like to take me home and cook for me every single day of their fucking lives. I'm tellin' you to make one goddam burger, Fox! Now hop the fuck to it!"

"Ruh-ruh-right away sir."

Just then the intercom crackles into life.

"Bum Spud to the manager's office please."

Fox gulps with frenzied glee. "You're fuh-fuh-fuckin' in for it now, Spud!"

Bum Spud turns, lowers his wraparound shades, and looks young Fox Mulder dead in the eye.

"Fox, don't make me tell everyone in this fuckin' restaurant that you still have a rubber sheet on your bed at night to make sure you don't drown in your own piss by the morning."

Gasps from the onlookers.

"Shit, Fox.... looks like I just did."

He strolls towards the manager's office without looking back.

[SAMHAIN]

By all means go right ahead with this story. I hope a point or a plot submerges from the deep trenches that is your sea of stupidity. In the mean time I will work up a TRUE story flame later.

Coming soon!

BumSpud starring in Total Retard

[The Rogue]

Why-O-Why has he stopped?

[NeoMonk]

Which one?

I suspect Bumspud has become sick of wasting time kicking dead rabbits...

And SAMHAIN was just talking bullshit as usual...

"Coming soon!"

Hahaha...

[ANTIVIRUS.]

Ha,this thread is old as fuck.

BumShit,AtVile,Bonesaw.

Goddamn

[~Rawni~]

Everybody has to grow up sooner or later...........later for most of the Nazi's around here.