Homosmack... also known as gay-laming or fag-flaming, is a crude form of flaming based on homosexual jokes and insults directed towards a person on a message forum. We haven't even begun to start and already I know what you're thinking...
"But Doomsday, why do we need a guide for homosmack? Isn't gay-laming supposed to be considered lame and the worst caliber of flaming?"
Well junior, first off never speak to me again unless I direct a question towards you.
Get it, Got it? - good.
Now, back to the lesson.
A little random humor can really compliment and spice up a flame. Especially if your opponent lends well to this sort of attack. Therefore homosmack itself on individual occurrences is perfectly acceptable. It's the non-stop use and total dependance on homosmack which is what this article focuses on and is the form that is considered extremely lame.
Homosmack is a bottom of the barrel flaming style typically employed by newbies, clones, and just your all around board losers. HOWEVER, every forum needs their comic relief. Every well stocked flame community needs their clowns and losers. Not everybody can be a power flamer and some of you will have to be 'tards, losers, and fag-lamers. I know, it isn't fair. In fact, it's a damn shame. Yet it's the way things are and most likely will always be.
So as a resource for you aspiring fag-lamers this article will serve as the ultimate guide on how to become a homosmack artist in the vein of the top lowbrow gay-lamers on the internet. This article is a collaborative effort. It's an informative collection of views and advice collected from the humble folks at the www.Brawl-Hall.com community.
Newbies, lurkers, 'tards... pay attention...and just maybe you can grow up to become a fag-lamer.
Follow these 2 examples and you can post homosmack like a pro...
>> Example # 1.
Make absolutely no sense at all when you're typing your post. Throw in as many long winded dick references as you can along with things that have nothing to do with...well...anything.
Also try to throw in as many obscure words as you can. Even if you do not understand them or know how to use them in a coherent sentence.
Such as..."Why don't you take your swimming pool looking, penisy cock dicked prickeroo vienna sausage encrusted, Ford Tempo driving, DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER! nut-busting on your mouth and XXXL t-shirt, carbonated beverage drinking, can you smell what the rock is cooking, GAX, PAX, JAX, LAX, I got no SMAX and I totally SUX CAX you got that...!?!?!"
This throws your opponent completely off guard right out of the gate. It's hard to verbally smack someone back if you can't tell what the fuck they are talking about. Remember if you confuse yourself when writing your own post chances are you may confuse your opponent as well.
Mix in a few of the local ass-leaches and groupies propping your mad skills to back you up...and Viola!...you Win! At least in your own mind ... and that's all that really counts.
>> Example # 2.
Talk about faggots, homo's, lesbians, dyke's, queers, dicks and more faggots as often as possible. Homoerotica is an important ingredient to homosmack.
There's absolutely NO way in hell these guys aren't current on the latest copy of "Hard Riding Bears: Fists, Cuffs & Crisco"...you can tell by the way they write their Fantasy like posts, almost like they wish the shit was really happening. If you're going to compete you'll have to get yourself a copy of one of these homoerotic Romance novels yourself. (Just don't ask one of those shit-dicks...um, I mean "alternate flamers".... to give up their own well thumbed copies) Take passages straight out of these queer rags, then change them up to suit the occasion.
Such as...Dirk bent Kyle over the bed gently...taking his time as he gently caressed his muscled shoulders, he leaned over next to Kyle's ear and whispered..."This is it sweet thing, I'm going to make you a man, a real man...a Mans man"...Dirk moved his hand down to spread Kyles sweet, virgin asscheek, with the other hand he pushed it in to a 5 gallon bucket...right up to the elbow of 80/90 axle grease took a deep breath and...
You get the idea. Change the above passage up a little, rearrange a few words, and it could pass for excellent homosmack.
Example..."You fucking cock gobbling asswipe, I'll bend you over the fucking bed, take you by your scrawny shoulders and push my clenched fist right up your brown ringed warbler...(Mix something violent in here and you're halfway home)...grab your well traveled cock/windpipe from the inside and pull it back out of your 8 lane, no entrance, exit only, 1000's of miles of cock served 7 inches at a time, Highway...errrrr...Guyway and shove it down your spoogerificly delicious, thank you sir may I please have another, glory hole you that call a mouth."
Want to take it to the next level? The Mecca of premier internet homosmack? Well guess what folks, you've already completed the hardest part! Just copy and paste the two examples together...and you...will be legendary in the world of homosmack.
"Why don't you take your swimming pool looking, no entrance, exit only, 1000's of miles of cock served 7 penisy cock dicked prickeroo vienna sausage encrusted, gobbling asswipe, clenched fist right up your brown ringed warbler Guyway and shove it down your spoogerificly delicious nut-busting on your mouth/glory hole...!!!...You got that?!?!?!"
Easy isn't it? Sure it is!
Anyone and their retarded uncle could be a competent fag-lamer. All one needs is a crude vocabulary, a taste for homoerotica, post while intoxicated, and it helps if you're a fan of Adam Sandler and/or Chevy Chase. There ya go. The biography of a potential fag-lamer!
But let's not get too excited just yet, there is one small pitfall to being a career homosmack artist. What follows is the most important rule to becoming a premier fag-lamer:
Never allow yourself to be dragged into fact based conversations. If you do, you will lose automatically.
Fag-laming does not lend itself well to facts.
How does one prove that ones opponent is gay? Unless you were in bed with him last night and have the polaroids to prove it -- you can't. Therefore do not allow yourself to get tricked into a fact based discussion. You will lose. Do not allow yourself to be tricked into an intelligent debate. You will lose.
I know most of you aspiring fag-lamers aren't the brightest bunch and my inserting some totally uncool "rule" probably has most of you confused. Therefore, despite the excellent and detailed advice above more then likely you rejects are still wondering to yourselves what does a "good" fag-lame look like, and most importantly, you're probably looking to go the copy&paste approach. Correct?
Ok idiots, what follows is just a brief add-on to the first lesson.
Remember.... being an effective homosmack artist isn't about just calling your opponent gay. You have to say it like you mean it. Although the phrase, "you are gay" might be the overall theme of all your post, it leaves for a rather short read. So how do you get past that hurdle? How do you write a long drawn out post that APPEARS like you're actually saying something worth reading or responding to, but what's really happening is you're just calling them a faggot 100 times?
Well all you have do is to fill your words with overly violent imagery and adjective ridden prose. (as described previously.)
Here are some examples of premier fag-laming efforts. They were originally posted by REAL homosmack artist in their own environment and even praised as the best of the best one-liners.
Memorize these quotes, sprinkle them randomly in your own post modifying a few words here and there and you will become a premier homosmack artist in short order. I guarantee it!
"You're still a crippled half assed fuckwit rolling over for a belly rub and a chance to lick your own balls."
"Why bother? I'll just throw a stick into the spokes of your rainbow colored tandem razor scooter and let the asphalt do the work ."
"One more whelp out of you and I'll tie your three fingered left hand to the laces on the worn, splitsole converse hightop on your right foot, pull your poison wifebeater up over your mascera running eyelids, duct tape a festive bow to the sqeaky bald spot on the side of your sideways head, and send the entire gay package to the salvation army as a belated christmass donation for the homosexual underclass, you turkey slicking shit slurpee"
"Quit performing analingus on your loose bowelled labrador and reveal your pointed head so that I can level it back out with my highschool's pottery kiln."
"So maybe you should rethink your strategy, because sitting back with a glazed over look on your face while I yoyo with your heart isn't what I would consider intimidating, unless of course you're trying to drown me with your spunk infested man juices, in that case, oh no, you got me you twisty turny deep sea rod rangler."
This concludes your lesson, Fags!! Good luck...and Happy Smacking....