CHAPTER 1 All material herein has been stolen via psychic powers from David Shetley's future personal diary...the spelling has been corrected due to the original author's inability to even get his name right. January 1st 2003 9:30 am Dear diary Well, this is it...the first day of the new year...time to make that New Year's Resolution and stick to it. This year I'll be making two - I vow to stop lying and I vow to no longer be a screaming homosexual. 10:00am I've broken out in hives...this resolution business is killing me...I'm experiencing classic cold turkey but I need to be strong...my wife and children are counting on me...FUCK...there goes the first resolution already. Okay...I've still got the second one...I won't be gay...I won't be gay...I won't be gay. 10:07am I've just broken my second resolution...Jackass was staying over for the holidays and he just woke up...I couldn't resist it...I dropped my pants and let him fuck me like a bitch...it was nice though...oh well, resolutions are for people with moral fibre and I clearly have none so, what the hell? Time to go to work. 12:00 pm I must say that my New Year has started off with a bang...my new job as web master is great...I've got my own forum now and, with any luck, by the end of the year, I'll let somebody other than me post on it too. This is amazing...I can post all these replies to myself and, if I start getting beaten up too badly, I can ban my IP address, post it on the site and then hide in a hidden forum...way too cool. It's a shame about the other job - I got fired from being a Prison Guard after those psychotic bastards ladr, HP, warlord, EB and that backstabber Doomsday bribed several prisoners into forcing me to rape them in the showers. They also bribed the Warden to catch me in the act. I tried to do a Jrzy Jackass and claim that it wasn't me and that I don't even live in the US but nobody believed me...bastards. I got my own back though...I publicly called everybody 'idiots' on Brawl Hall...hah...they'll think twice before tangling with my flaming skills again. 1:30pm Mmmmmmmm...just finished a nice lunch. I had 'hot sausage surprise'. What was the surprise? It was Jrzy's sausage that I 'ate' for my lunch...bwaaaahahahaha! 3:00pm Shit. I banned my IP address from my web site because I didn't like the way that I kept flaming myself and then threatening to leave. Now I can't get back in to unban myself and make more threats. I shall ask my good friend, Doom to help me out...I like him and would never say bad things about him...he's always been good to me...not like those other psychotic bastards. 4:30pm Doomsday is an idiot...backstabbing bastard!!!! He refused to unblock me from my site and now I have to buy another domain and put a new site on it. I've always hated Doom...he's just jealous because I'm the most popular person ever to post on Brawl Hall and his shitty little site died after I left. I keep going back and posting this information but nobody takes any notice because they're all to scared that I'll post their IP addresses. Pffaa...Brawl Hall...what a joke...a mere 3,000 regular posters. It can't compare to my Gimpfighters sites...I bet all 150 of them have got more posters than Brawl Hall...unfortunately I've banned myself from all of them so I can't go back to check! I HATE Doom...he's never helped me! 6:00pm Great...I've just got Gimpfighters #151 up and running. I think I'll post some stuff about the administrator there being a bit heavy handed...he's bound to ban me and then I can be a Super Troll. 8:00pm Gimpfighters #152 is now live...there's this fabulously talented guy called Yoyo that keeps posting on it...I think I'll post his IP address and personal details...then I'll own him. 8:30pm Bwwwaaaahahahaha...I win...I posted this Yoyo gimp's details and he hasn't replied...I OWN YOU DAVID SHETLEY!!! I might ban his just to be on the safe side though... 10:00pm Well, it's been a most productive day and I haven't lied or been gay once. I think I'll celebrate by going to the Habana Inn and picking up a couple of big, beefy types to fuck me senseless. I haven't been there in at least four years. I wonder if that guy on the door that punched me last night for trying to suck his dick on my way out will sleep with me today? I'm sure he was only playing hard to get. 12:30am The big guy on the door beat me to a pulp and punched fourteen of my teeth out when I pulled down my trousers and offered to scream like a stuck pig while he buggered me bloody...I think he wants me but is too shy to admit it. I'd like to go to sleep now but the guy in the next bed is snoring...if I was capable of walking, I'd stick my dick in his mouth to shut him up. I told the Doctor that my name was John Evichin...ha ha ha...won't JJ have a shock when he finds out that he's currently lying in an Intensive Care ward in Oklahoma City and is due to be transfered to the State Mental Institution tomorrow. What a wonderful day I've had...and I haven't lied or been gay once. to be continued... CHAPTER 2 1st June 2003 9:00 am Dear Diary Well, it's been a while since I last picked you up and wrote anything and, boy, has my life changed since I was institutionalised. Iam now completely cured of my homosexual and lying tendencies. I can now live my life as a normal, truthful, heterosexual, my fantasies have all been dissolved and I feel so much better now. They have given me electroshock treatment, it has worked very well. The doctor has been so much help, he explained first how the treatment would work and then he started to attach the electrodes. When he put them on my nuts, I got a stiffy because I thought he would wank me off but he cranked up the power and nearly fried my dick off. That was the last time I lied or had gay thoughts. He DID have a really cute ass though and I would love to felch him senseless, OHHHH FUCK, NURSE!!!!! 10:30 am They've fried my dick again. It was terrible, when the doctor bent over to stick the electrodes on my nuts, I got so excited by the sight of his tight pants disappearing up his ass crack that I shot my load and blew his glasses across the room. I wonder if I can get one of those electro-shock machines for me and Jackass? 12:00 pm Gee, I sure do miss all my good friends at Brawl Hall. How we used to laugh together. They all liked me and my witty flames, especially Doom. I fucking hate him, backstabbing bastard. And then there was Danger – that BITCH!!! Oh, she thought she was the Queen of Brawl Hall but she was wrong, I was – even though I'm not homosexual. I told them I did. I said that I would never post there again and I didn't, ever. I kept going back every hour and pointing this out to them but that shit-stirrer, Evichin, kept calling me a liar and turning them all against me. God, I hate them all so much. They NEVER liked me, not like my wonderful buddies at 2lame2flame. Jeremy thought I was great, he was my best friend and couldn't wait for me to start flaming everybody into oblivion, he's a super person - I fucking hate him too - he banned me for being an even lamer cunt than the rest of his scabby crew. I hope he dies in great pain and I'll never post on his site again. Oooohhhh, that reminds me to use my alternate nic there and post everybody's personal details – I've never done that before but THEY deserve it - so did everybody else I've ever done it to! That'll teach 'em for saying I'm a liar, I'm NOT, and I'm not gay either, it's just my succession of homosexual lovers that are! Still, at least I have Gumpfuckers #483 to fall back on. I'm still really popular with everybody there, apart from that Yoyo clown, he keeps finding out my URL and posting so many new threads that nobody else wants to post when they see how lame he is. How does he do it. I never tell ANYBODY the URL and have locked out the forums. I HAVE to ban him at some point soon. Oh good, here comes the nurse with my Prozac. 12:04 pm Happy talk, keep talking happy talk, talk about things you'd like to do, You've got to have a dream, if you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true? WHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed He was looking kind of dumb with my penis up his bum... ...NURSE!!!!!! 2:45 pm My dick hurts! 4:30 pm I have to escape from this place before they totally fry my little cocktail weenie. I have a cunning plan that relies on my intelligence, honesty and sheer natural cunning I'm going to tell them that I'm leaving and never coming back, then I'll hide in plain view and they'll all rush out looking for me. When they all leave, I'll just walk out the front door and disappear. It hasn't worked the last 586 times I've tried it for some reason, the line about me leaving and never coming back makes them all start rolling on the floor laughing then they zap my genitals again. I hate them all. I just have to say it in a more cunning way, then they'll HAVE to believe me. I'm going to try it now. 4:58 pm My dick hurts. 6:30 pm Mmmmmmmmmmmm dinner. I'm having fruit tonight for dessert. I've got a banana and two oranges. Wow did you know that if you put the two oranges at the base of the banana, it looks a bit like a ... hmmmm ... I wonder if I can stuff it up my oooohhh ... ahhhhh ... that feels so good it's like. no, nurse wait I'm not finished yet wait please. 7:03 pm My dick hurts. 7:12 pm The fire alarms are going off, all that frying of my dick caused a short circuit in the power grid. I wonder if, in all the confusion, I can sneak into the padded cell next door and get the occupant to bugger me? I'll pretend that I don't enjoy it and that will prove I'm not gay! Trousers down, dick out CHARGE!!!! Ohhhh, that's not fair he ran away screaming oooohhh, the TV room window is open, if I climb out, I can slide down the drainpipe and escape. Here goes ... AARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH ... I forgot to put my trousers back on. 7:13 pm Friction burns, my dick hurts. 7:17 pm Ha, I'm out (not in the homosexual sense because I'm not gay) I've escaped. Now to get my revenge on everybody that's ever hated me all 5 billion of them!!! BBBBBBBWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ***EMERGENCY ANNOUNCEMENT*** A DANGEROUS MENTAL PATIENT HAS ESCAPED FROM THE TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT EXPERIMENTAL ASYLUM FOR INCURABLY HOMOSEXUAL LIARS IN THE CENTER OF SAN FRANCISCO. THE PATIENT, WHO CANNOT BE IDENTIFIED FOR LEGAL REASONS, IS NAMED DAVID Yomosexual (BUT WILL DENY THIS) AND CAN BE EASILY IDENTIFIED BY THE FACT THAT SHE IS NAKED FROM THE WAIST DOWN AND HAS 3RD DEGREE BURNS TO HER PENIS. IF MR. Yomosexual IS SPOTTED, THE PUBLIC ARE WARNED NOT TO APPROACH HER AS SHE IS CONSIDERED EXTREMELY DANGEROUS TO HER OWN SAFETY. THE POLICE ARE CONDUCTING A HOUSE TO HOUSE SEARCH OF ALL PUBLIC TOILETS IN THE AREA AND ARE CONVINCED THAT Yomosexual CAN BE RECAPTURED QUICKLY. THE FBI HAVE STAKED OUT A HOUSE JUST OUTSIDE ATLANTA, GEORGIA WHERE ONE OF Yomosexual'S GAY LOVERS IS KNOWN TO DENY LIVING. ***PICTURES AT 11*** CHAPTER 3 Sept. 1, 2006 – 7:15am Dear diary Well...here I am, a few years older and much, much wiser. It's been 3 years since I escaped from the mental institution and I have learned very many valuable lessons: It's not clever to lie about everything or pretend to be gay just to shock people and it's not nice to pretend to be something you're not and to stab people in the back just because they don't think the same way that you do. I will take these lessons to the grave with me...I am, truly, a different person to the sad individual that used to plague Brawl Hall with lies, bullshit, fabrications and hatred. I can no longer find it within myself to hate anybody...hate is a negative emotion and my experiences to date have taught me that being positive is the only way forward. I am now a very positive, heterosexual and truthful person. 7:30 am. SHIT!!! I really DO need to stop dropping E's...they're fucking with my head! Since I escaped, I've been hiding out with Jackass. He was right...he DOESN'T live in Georgia...I had to get the train to Atlanta and Jackass picked me up at the station. We drove to his place which is a few miles outside Atlanta but is also in another dimension just to confuse all his enemies. It looks like Georgia and all the other people that live here think that they live in Georgia but really, they live in a dimension invented by Jackass to look like Georgia but be somewhere totally different and not even on the same planet as Georgia. It must be true because Jackass said so and, like me, he never lies. I like living with him...I don't have to pretend to be gay or anything and I don't have to lie in order to get him to like me. If I give him a blowjob every morning and let him fuck me senseless when he comes home from Not-Atlanta every night, he likes me just fine. He says he's not gay and I KNOW I'm not gay so, if we perform gay sex acts on each other, because we are both not gay, then they can't be gay acts can they? We're just two regular guys who happen to enjoy sharing each other's bodily fluids is all! 8:00 am That fucking Doomsday bastard is still running scared from me – every time I post a new thread on Brawl Hall to tell him what a bastard nic switcher he is, he posts a nasty and insulting reply which I ignore and then he doesn't post again on that thread...what a coward. I hate nic switchers...and fags and liars and Doom is all of those. I keep posting under different aliases (I'm up to number 715 now) but he still denies being a nic switcher and tries to suggest that it's ME posting under different nics that is accusing him of posting under different nics even though I NEVER lie or nic switch. How can he accuse me of these things when I am using Jackass' super-secret IP address that looks as though it's in Georgia but isn't really because we don't live on Planet Earth. Doomsday is just full of shit and he must be gay because the last three letters of all his nics - he's so unimaginative that he nic switches using the same nic every time...what a 'tard...if you're going to nic switch, don't keep calling yourself 'Doomsday'...duh!!! – where was I? Oh, yeah...the last three letters of his multiple nics is always 'day' and day rhymes with 'gay' therefore Doomsday MUST be a rump wrangler! 9:30 am I made up a song today for my friend Jackass...it's only the chorus and it has to be sung to the tune of 'Without Me' by Eminem... "Now this looks like a cock to me so stick it in my ass and bugger me cos I need a little Jackass' dick in me cos I feel so empty inside me!" I hope he likes it...I know he's not gay and everything but then, neither am I, so it still can't be homosexual for two straight men to shaft each other up the ass. I'm not sure about that Eminem Mathers guy though...don't get me wrong, I'd do him because he's got a cute butt, he just looks so gay though and I really hate homosexuals...just the thought of their depravity turns my stomach and makes my little dick feel funny. 12:00pm Damn...I've been trying to find an ISP to host Gimpfighters but nobody wants to know...they all say that I've used their services before and been such a total loser that they have banned me from ever using their hosting services again. How can they do this to me? This is my life they're fucking up...I bet those bastards ladr, JJ, Evil Blood and High Plainsman are behind this...they've never forgiven me for calling them dangerous psychotics and I'm sure they've opened accounts in my name with every hosting company in the world and breached the terms of service just to get me discredited. I don't care, I'll have the last laugh...I've now started my new forum with pencil and paper...let's see them nuke my board now. It's going really well...I have 3 pages full of posts by some prick who calls himself Yoyo...I think he's gay and a liar...and he could be a nic switcher too so I'll ban him from posting again by removing his pencil and then I'll hide in the hidden forum at the back of the book and post nasty things about his mother where he can't see me do it. I really hate losers like him – maybe I should post his IP address and all his personal details because that's really brave of me...how can I find out an IP address from a written note? My god...I'm surrounded by freaks and queers – I must be the only sane person in all creation and they gave ME electroshock therapy? Mind you, I still miss the feel of the young doctor's hands as he held my balls and dick whilst he attached the electrodes...not that I'm gay you understand...it was just a male bonding thing. The trouble is that I have to play the woman with Jackass all the time because I can't get hard unless he wires me up to the mains and pumps 110 volts through my sphincter. The problem there is that, if we apply the voltage when I'm up his ass, it tends to deep fry his turds. Shame...I like to see his feminine side...he says her name is Laverne and she wants to be a beautician. I love this male bonding stuff...it makes you feel so glad that you're not gay...it's almost as good as my time as the prison's very own "Shower Block Rapist". 2:00 pm Ha ha ha...I've just posted on Brawl Hall as "Not Yoyo"...that fool, Anthony, will never guess that it's me because I'm being too clever for him, the nic switching bastard. I can't wait for Jackass to sign in and help me with whichever nic he chooses to use today. I've called him a nic switching, poopy pants...yeah...I know it's a bit mean and very insulting but, hey, I'm a red-hot flamer and this is how I got to be where I am – by not pulling any punches. It's almost like when we found out Evil Blood's details and posted them. That was a lot of hard work and our detective skills were really challenged to the limit...in the end we cleverly ran a 'whois' on his web-site address that he had posted on every single board that he visited in an attempt to hide his identity...but Jackass and I were too smart for him and we found out everything that he had tried so desperately to hide...we even double-checked it against his IP address that he had posted twice to shut somebody up on one thread on my 'Tinky Winky' forum...it checked out...that'll teach him for trying to hide. Unfortunately, Pinkeye from 2lame2flame tried to grab the credit and got himself owned 4 times in the process but we were the ones that did all that hard work. He says he doesn't give a fuck but I know he's lying...he was just trying to hide his details out in plain view to fool everybody...well, you can't fool me that easily...I'm too smart for that...shit...I'm drooling on the keyboard! Did I mention how much I hate Doomsday? I think I'll open my Gimpfighters Forum book and write some stuff about him in my hidden forum...fuck...some bastard has stolen my pencil! 6:00pm Oh god, I feel so cheap and used. I think that Jackass is really a homosexual. He keeps telling me that he isn't but, when he was pumping my ass in the shower this evening, he screamed out "David, you bitch" as he came. Why would he scream that unless he wanted me to be his very own little bitch? I was so shocked that I nearly dropped the live mains lead that I had placed against his scrotum (I couldn't feel anything myself as the electroshock therapy has made me pretty much immune to anything other than the mains lead being stuck deep into my rectum.) I wouldn't mind being his little bitch if he was straight but, to think that I've sucked his cum and let him have me in every position known to man and he turns out to be a poopy-pirate...bleeeuurccch...I shalln't be wearing those fishnet stocking for HIM any more. Gee...I wonder if pantywastedavid is still available...although, I think he was a bit gay too. Still, at least I'm secure enough in my own heterosexuality to masturbate over pictures of Johnny Depp and know that there's nothing gay in my actions. Jackass is laying in the shower at the moment. Holding his nuts and screaming...I think he came too hard...mind you, it must have been one hell of an orgasm because his hair is standing on end and there is steam coming off his testicles...oooohhhh...silly me...the mains wire is still attached to his nads and the shower is still on...ha...that'll teach him for pretending to not be gay just so he could fuck me up the ass and cum in my mouth. We straight people don't have to take any shit from queers like him. 9:00 pm Jackass has gone blue and has stopped moving...I think he's dead. 10:30 pm Oh dear...I gave him the kiss of life...with tongue and everything...then I gave him the butt-fuck of life but that didn't work either...maybe if I was gay it would have worked better. Shit...I can only think of one thing to do... 11:00 pm Well that didn't work either...I posted everything that happened to Jackass and me on Brawl Hall but I substituted Doomsday's name instead of mine. This was a very clever move on my part because it proves beyond a doubt that Doomsday is gay...why else would he be having anal sex with Jackass and it also frames him for murder. Ha ha ha...let's see the nic switcher get out of this. I've even posted Jackass' personal details and home address because he lied to me about being gay and now I've shown that I'm a shit-hot flamer that doesn't take any shit from queers...and now that he's dead, he can't do the same to me...something about this is nagging at the back of my mind but I can't think what it could be. 11:07 pm Fuck, the police are at the door...they're trying to break it down...ha...little do they know that this house is in another dimension and they can't see me. How the hell did they get the address though? 11:08 pm I bet this is Doomsday's fault...he hates me...I bet he used some trans-dimensional gateway technology that he stole from the future in order to track down where I'm living and tell the police...it's the only explanation. Why is the room full of policemen pointing guns at me? They can't see me...I'm in another dimension and not in Georgia...their laws don't mean shit here...they can't arrest me...oooohhhh...that young officer there looks very cute...I'll cum quietly if he gives me an extra-special body cavity search...just as a male-bonding ritual you understand. 12:30 am I'm back in the asylum and they're using electrodes again...my dick hurts! CHAPTER 4 Nov 13, 2010 – 9:00am Dear diary My dick hurts. They're still giving me electro-shock treatment to cure my homosexuality. I keep telling them that I'm not gay but every time that sexy doctor bends over and I get a look at his ass, I pop a stiffy and get 10,000 volts shoved through my dick. It's been roasted so many time that my cock is now black...trouble is, it hasn't got any bigger so I guess what they say about black men is a lie...and I'm still crap at basketball too. 9:30 am. Goody...it's time for my 20 minutes of Internet privileges again. I love this time of the day...I get to sit there in front of a blank screen and not post on Brawl Hall...I bet that really pisses Doomsday off. I think I'll post and ask him if it does...yesterday he said that it didn't but I know he's lying...I hate him. My Gimpfighters Mk 6789 site is going great now...I'm boycotting it just in case Doomsday gets the URL and posts bad things about me. If I can't see what he's put then I can't get upset. Once I find a host for it and get it on the Net, it'll go even better but then Doomsday and the 3 psychotic stooges, ladr, Evil Blood and HP might nuke it before I can ban them and then I'll have to spam Brawl Hall with posts about how I won't ever post there again...I miss Jackass...I loved him...although not in a homosexual sense of course. His cock felt so good in my ass, better than that guard I let fuck me in trade for some painkillers yesterday. My nuts still hurt and it's time for my next treatment so I think I'll try some now. ***DOCTOR'S REPORT*** Mr David Shetley, a deranged, homosexual, compulsive liar, currently under treatment at this facility for his pathological insanity somehow managed to acquire 36 Viagra tablets in the mistaken belief that they were painkillers prior to a treatment session. Mr. Shetley, a convicted serial bullshitter, took all 36 tablets in one go and, as the electrical current was applied to his genital regions, the Viagra took effect. Mr Shetley broke loose of his restraints, buggered 8 guards and was running around the treatment room with a permanent erection, having multiple ejaculations and singing "rockin' around the Christmas Tree" in a fake soprano voice before we managed to club him senseless. Mr. Shetley has been sedated for the last 3 days until the effects of the Viagra have worn off. We now believe that this episode may have irreparably damaged his limited grasp on reality beyond all hope of repair. His treatments will continue anyway in the hope of causing him undue suffering and pain and his Internet accesss has been revoked in order to totally shatter any remaining hopes and dreams that this wretched creature might harbour. May God have NO mercy on his bitter, warped and homosexually twisted, lying soul. Bwaaaaaaahahahahahaha ...roast in hell, Yoyo. Dr. Anthony Hill MD Nov 16, 2010 8:00 am Neeeurgh. I've lost 3 days somehow. I remember taking all my painkillers in the hope that I wouldn't feel anything and then it all went blank. I think that...wait a minute. It all went blank and then, 3 days later, I awoke. That means that...no...it can't be...but it must. I died. I was dead for 3 days and then I arose from the death. I AM THE MESSIAH. I AM JESUS REBORN. Ooohhh...they won't like that at the Synagogue! Diary...my task has been made clear...it is my duty to spread my Father's message of love and peace to everybody who will listen, regardless of race, creed or political ideology. I am the Son of God and I must convert all to my Father's message...none shall come before me who shall be deemed unworthy...except for Doomsday because I hate him...and ladr, Evil Blood and HP because they're dangerous psychotics. And anybody else who was ever mean and nasty to me. Okay...my task has been made clear...it is my duty to spread my Father's message of love and peace to Jackass and Jasper...but Jasper was once nasty about me. Hold on Jackass...David of Nazaereth is coming to save you. But first he has to spread his Father's message of love to that doctor's cute bottom. Not that Doctor Hill...I hate him...I know his name from somewhere but I can't place it. I bet he's friends with Doomsday...I hate him too. Nov 17, 2010 9:30 am My dick hurts! My escape plan is all worked out. Today we are all being taken to the seaside as a special treat. I shall walk on the water to freedom and, thereby spread my Father's message to all the little fishies too. ***DOCTOR'S REPORT*** Mr. Shetley now believes that he is The Messiah. Due to the fun value to be had from this delusion, it has been decided not to disabuse him of the notion. His new state of mind came to light as he attempted to walk across Lake Michigan and sank like a stone whilst shouting something about "Catfish inheriting the Earth". In a side note, one of the Doctors has been found comatose in a locker with his pants around his ankles and a red ass...we suspect Mr. Shetley's involvement in this. Mr. Shetley is now trying to grow a beard to fit his new image but, as the Viagra has played merry hell with his endocrine system, he has taken to shaving off his pubic hair and sticking it on his chin. This seems to satisfy him. Dr. Anthony Hill MD 2:00pm Fuck...it was the wrong kind of water! My Dad, my Dad...why hast thou forsaken me? 4:00 pm Har de har de har. The time of my crucifixtion draws near but I, Jesus of Lexington DOC will confound them all with my Holy Powers and shall escape. Given that even God, my Father hates me, I have had to take matters in to my own hands and have stolen Dr. Cute Butt's keys when I spread my Father's message of love to his bottom yesterday. It was the Christian thing to do and not homosexual at all. 6:00pm It's all quiet...I'm out of here. Hold on Jackass...Yoyo Christ is coming to save your ass-soul. Just my little joke...I'm not gay. I can't wait to get his cock in my mouth again and taste his extreme unction. 9:00 pm I got a ride from a trucker who said he'd take me to Georgia. I told him who I was and offered to bless his Pole of The Lord's Glory but he beat the shit out of me and left me torn and bleeding in a ditch. I hate him...I bet he posts on Brawl Hall. Nov 23, 2010 10:30 am My Godly powers of direction finding are leading me unerringly towards Jackass and I've only been beaten shitless twenty three times...what are the chances of finding THAT many friend's of Doomsday in Peru? Got to go...there's a cute male Llama who's giving me the old 'come on'. 11:00 am Bleeeurch. That's the last time I offer a blessing to a Llama. Its Pole of the Lord's Glory tasted of pooh and the foul creature bit me while I was blessing it. Obviously this was a Llama of Satan. Maybe I have this all wrong...I have already blessed Jackass hundreds of times in the past. Okay, I hadn't been resurrected yet but I was still the Messiah. Maybe my task is to rid the world of Satan's evil influence. Yes...that's the answer...I have to get rid of Doomsday! Stay tuned diary as I attempt to stop the spread of evil that is Brawl Hall FINAL CHAPTER For the final time, through the miracles of psychic power, David 'Yoyo – Son of God' Shetley's future diary can now be exclusively revealed. Now, let's join our intrepid, paranoid schizophrenic Messiah on his final journey through the open sewer that was his life Dec 25, 2011 – 7:00 am *sings* Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me Happy birthday Son of God, happy birthday to meeeeee! O, diary...it's My birthday today...I'm 2,011 years old and I don't look a day past 65. I'm living proof that a cum facial a day keeps the wrinkles away. Today's lucky donor of the Saviour's creamy facial was Bertie the Donkey. A rather large, foul tasting cock that stretched My oral skills to their limit but I finished every last drop...it's full of protein and good for you. As it was My birthday, I also gave him My Assholy Blessings...I guess you could say that the ass was riding an ass...bwaaaahahahaha...Oh, dear Me, I'm such a wit. Right...I can't sit here scribbling away...I've got the rest of the farmyard animals to "bless" yet. 11:15 am Damn...I'd only got half way through the pig sty when the farmer caught Me. He made Me 'bless' him too. If I didn't know better, I'd swear that he was a homosexual and actually got some enjoyment out of it instead of a deep spiritual awakening. I hate fags and so does My Holy Father...they're an abomination in the sight of the Hosts of Heaven and should all be sent straight to Hell along with liars and madmen. Hosts....oooh oooh oooh...that reminds Me...I've come up with this abosfuckinglutely brilliant plan to finish that bastard Osama bin-Doomsday off once and for all. I'll use My Holy powers to return in time to 1960, stop Al Gore from entering politics and then I can invent the Internet instead of him. That way, I'll be able to ban bin-Doomsday's IP address from ever accessing the Internet in the first place and I'll invent Brawl Hall and become famous while he'll be a nobody and not a famous psychiatrist in charge of the secure mental hospital was I was so unjustly imprisoned and had My dick hurt. Strange...I don't remember doctor bin-Doomsday being in charge...I remember a doctor Anthony Hill (that name STILL seems familair for some reason) being in charge. Pffft...I bet bin-Doomsday paid the media to say that he was a Nobel Prize winning psychiatrist and in charge just to fuck with Me. It didn't work...I now see clearer than ever before for, truly, I am the Son of God and I am all powerful...I am an impotent...it says so in the bible so it must be true. I also intend to get even with those bastards warlord and Evil Blood. Once I invent the Internet, I'll have more money than warlord so I'll give lots of money to his opponent in the election and President Evichin will end up in the toilet of history. As for that EB cunt, I'll ban porn from My Internet so he doesn't get to become the next Hugh Heffner and richer than Bill Gates and I'll buy Fiji so he can't...hah. As for that loser, Ruthless1, his fate I won't mess with. I think his getting buggered to death by an angry crowd in a Gay L.A. Nightclub for calling them fags was a fitting end for him. Ohhhh, I do so love being Me. Right...here we go, I'll squeeze My muscles, concentrate really hard, transport Myself in time to 1960 and make My way to Washington now. 11:32 am Wow...the temporal feedback was so strong that, in the middle of squeezing all My muscles, I shit My pants! Still...never mind...it's Holy Shit, Batman. Bwaaahahaha...oh, dear Me, even with the shit pooling in my socks I'm still a great wit. I love Me. Okay...off to Washington using My Holy Thumb and the promise of a jolly good 'blessing' to get there. March 12, 2012. 9:15 am Hmmmm, diary...things are not how I thought they would be in 1960. I thought they would all drive these old cars and all these hippys would be walking around talking about love, peace and drugs but they all drive the same cars as they did in 2011 and there are no hippys anywhere. It must be a side reaction from My incredible journey into the past...or...maybe I'm here AND in 2011 at the same time but I'm transposing all the details from 2011 on 1960 so that My all powerful mind doesn't get confused as to where and when it is. Dad, I'm such a genius! Right...anyway, I'm in Washington now and, although I've gone back to the 60's, Al Gore is already in politics. Still, not a problem...using My Holy Impotence I will approach him in 2011 and then, before his guards can do anything about it, I'll switch to 1960 and tell him that the Internet is the tool of the devil. He'll be overcome by terror at the thought of spending eternity being buggered by the Devil (hmmm, I wonder if he has a big dick) that he'll beg My Messianic forgiveness and hand over all his notes and then I can invent it and put an end to bin-Doomsday, warlord and Evil Blood. It is My Father's work so, therefore, I can't fail. Right, there's Gore...time to go. ***** Special News Report ***** Washington DC – Today, as retired vice-president Al Gore was due to give evidence to a senate select comittee as to the fact that, not only did he not invent the Internet, he is STILL unsure of how to use a PC, he was accosted by a very bizarre and disturbed individual whose face was encrusted with dried semen and who gave off an unholy aroma of shit and piss. Mr. Gore's CIA guards were, fortunately, on hand to gun the assailant down. The assailant has been positively identified as one David Shetley, a homosexual, compulsive liar from Midwest City, Oklahoma. Mr. Shetley had escaped some years previously from a High Security Mental Hospital run by Nobel Prize winning psychiatrist, Dr Anthony Hill who declined to comment on the incident. The sound of laughter was later heard from behind his office door. President Evichin, currently holidaying on Howard Lazar's (better known as Porn God, Evil Blood) private Island retreat of Fiji also had no comment to make although it is understood that both he and Mr. Lazar were known to the assailant...again, before the telephone connection was broken, the sound of President Evichin, the First Lady and Mr. Lazar's laughter was heard along with the word "Yomosexual"...what this means, we may never know as CIA Chief DelRossi has stamped National Security over the incident. We now return you to normal programming. 9:16 am Wow...I must have caused a huge temporal overload and caused the whole world to burst into flame. Why are all those people surrounding me with pitchforks? Why are they red and why do they have horns on their heads? Ahhh...this looks like the leader...he's a big one...and his dick is MASSIVE. Hmmm...I might offer to bless him later. In the meantime they need to understand that they're dealing with the Son of God. What? He's getting his friends to pull down my pants and bend me over...where are my powers? My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me? My God...my God....MY GOD!!!!! 10:27 am My ass hurts...