Chapter One - The News.

"as far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a Flamer"

Me and Cardie and Duke were playing Hopscotch outside the diner when the Pay phone rang. Duke Was in the middle of a particularly tricky Two footed 6/7/8 combo, which was a piece of work for a guy with a Prosthetic Limb so Cardie answered the call.

A few seconds later he came rushing out of the booth all red-faced and hyperventilating, at first I thought nothing was unusual, he doesn't cope well with Telephones and has a tendency to faint when meeting strangers for the first time, so I carried on Helping Duke screw his foot back on.

"oh my God"......Cardie Squeaked.

"what?"......I asked

"I can't believe it..."

"watch me toes"....said Duke

"that was Brawl Hall....they are opening the books, they are going to make me...I got my Flames"

Duke leapt to his foot, I couldn't believe it, the next few moments were just a blur of Cheering, and congratulations. I think I may have fractured one of Cardies ribs in a hug and his Denture cream didn't stand up to the Dukes Hefty Backslaps.

Duke - "Can you believe that....one of our Boys is a made guy"
Cardie - (replacing teeth)- "these things have never fitted right since day one"
SoG - "I told you to get the Supragrip but you wouldn't listen....what did you save 40 Cents?"
Duke - "we can do what we want....whose going to mess with us now"
Cardie - "it's not just that...they chafe on my gums....that Dentist was a Butcher"

Duke was right, now Cardie had been accepted it was almost like we had all been given reg Status...Course Duke and I could never be regs because they trace your linage all the way back to that first forum registration....all the way Back to Ringfever for Cardie....Me and Duke hadn't got the heritage of flaming.

But with Cardie getting the Nod it meant we had weight in the world...."corpulent wrestler on Credit card fraud charges" kind of weight. No-one could attack us without a sit-down and an Ok from the Mods and Admins, it was Pure Gravy.

"I'm so excited...I'm gonna ring Lou, then my Mother, she'll be so excited....it might make up for the fact I'm still a bachelor in my late thirties"

Chapter 2

"the Stag - Do"

We had really gone to town on giving Cardie a good send off. This was his last night of freedom and we got a full turn out. Lou had laid on a Buffet of Chips and Dips, I'd thrown in a case of Spam for an appetiser and RudeDog had stumped for the Beer.

Everyone was relaxing, exchanging friendly banter and relishing the mood. Spock was there and SemiPrini, he was in his Bill Paxton Mask, Az got in an argument with a Ladyboy and had his nose broken and Antifaith got a little rambunctious over the Jukebox selection....not enough Chicago for his liking. Yawm got the whole thing mixed up and turned up with all his Dollhouse Miniatures, it was an easy mistake, but it gave him and Fraud something to talk about all night.

In Hindsight I think we all agreed the Tongan strippergram was possibly in Poor taste and Beaver soured things a little by being really anal over the Bar tab.

Beaver - "I only had two club soda's and a glass of Milk...I'm not chipping in a full share"
Spock - "oh for Focks sake"
Beaver - "it's not fair....look at George, he's had the best part of a Keg to himself and all these Gin Slings"
Ladr - "did you see him drink them all Beaver?"
Freud - "he better have photo's or he has no proof"
SOG - "look it's cardies night , let's not spoil it"
Beaver - "I'm not spoiling it, I just think we should do this fairly....who had six plates of Fried Chicken?"
Lady Ice - "oh how predictable blame me...."
Duke - "It was Muldowney and he had the Curly fries and the Cheeseburger...and a diet coke"
Beaver - "Brain.....I think we should start over and add it up again"
Brain - "are you casting dispertomns bover Mi Summs"

Cardie, Az , Lou and The Professor pouring over the Jukebox.

Cardie - "ooh look.....Jefferson Starship"
Lou - "(tearfully) I can't believe it....my horse faced buddy, a Reg, I don't know if I'm proud or what....I thought we would always be together"
Professor - "it doesn't surprise me, I predicted this would happen, he has Low self esteem issues"
Az - "and he's a fag....Cardick...HA"
Lou - "Cardick?......he has a penis like an Automobile, how does that work"
Professor - "he can't stand on his own you see"
Cardie - "technically neither can you gutball, that's why you are leaning against the wall"
Az - "he has very small legs, it's not his fault"
Professor - "Ha Mere Deflection, why would anyone believe you cardie, you can't be trusted, you are a proven copycat and Liar, I wouldn't be at all surprised if you were involved in some sort of unethical and illegal fraud operation"
Lou - "what a strange thing to say...."
Cardie - "oooh look, Dion and the Belmonts and the Fatback Band"

Beaver - "who had the Manhattan?"
Sog - "that was me"
Beaver - "ok and the White Russian?"
SoG - "err, me again"
Beaver - "the half pint of paint thinner, who was that"
SoG - "mmmmm,.....oh that , well....yes that was me as well"
Brain -(writing on Beer Mat)- "so Thirty Dollars, Plus Tax, Is 27.50, add Fifty Dollars for the room Hire, that's 4 Dollars...take away one, hang on ...what's this extra one I'm carrying, where did that come from?"
Spock - "I told him to Fock Off"
Duke - "did he?"
Spock - "no they threw me out of the Convention then....I didn't even get to meet Mr Sulu"
Beaver - "and the half bottle of Mouthwash....who was that"
SoG - "they ran out of spirits....it has a trace Alcohol content"
Brain - "add a 4% tip and divide by three because it's a Saturday.....And that means in total...."
Rude - "forty six bucks a piece....it's an equal split"
Brain - "that with all the results in ..........Cardtrick Wins"
Beaver - "what?....46 Bucks, Brain you idiot....I'm not paying , and that's that"
All - " STOP WHINING BEAVER"

Chapter three - The Ceremony

It was a Glorious day when I got to the Municipal Hall, the guy there hurried us in , apparently a Swedish line dancing troupe had the place booked for 2pm so we were running a little late.

Cardie had his best suit on, a generously cut polyester number in Sky blue, plus a really nice ruffled ballet shirt that had belonged to his father, I thought the monocle was a bit pretentious but it was his day after all.

It was a grand turnout as I took a seat, I looked around and it was full of the great and the good of flame world. I spotted hard rocking Dave, he had exactly the same suit on as me, only he had a propeller bowtie on, and odd shoes, and the trousers were about a foot too short.

There was Dark Queen, she had bought her grandmother and the old dears dress left little to the imagination, though a Midnight Oil sweatband and a pair off Ben-Wa Balls really don't hide that many sins, I was glad I'd skipped breakfast.

There was TDM , top hat, tails, Cane, Spats....Flamings very own Noel Coward crossed with Mr Peanut. Doomsday had stuffed fresh cotton wool into his cheeks for the occasion and some of the FC boys at the back looked a little worse for wear and maybe a wee bit disgruntled as well.

Duke Limped over.

"alright you fat Brummie ponce"
"yep, you Geordie waste of space....is he nearly ready?"
"he's a bit nervous but Lou is claming him down with a few drinks and a series of Punches in the face"
"exciting isn't it...look over there , is that Stoppa?"
"yep that's him, his hairs grown some more I see"
"yeah...it's a double door that and he's still having to turn sideways"
"who's the guy who keeps yelping?"
"Zp"
"no not him, the one dressed as a camp Ninja?"
"oh him, that's Samhain I think....he's on medication"
"watch out, it's Muldowney coming trundling down the aisle on his Motability scooter"
"Morning Prof, nice Muu-muu, where's AZ?"
"he's parking the car....look at this place....all losers, all with low self esteem, if only they would let me help"
"so how's the donut Embezzlement Business Prof?"
"what?"
"nothing , where's Beaver?"
"he refused to come, he's standing firm to his principles and not attending this charade"
"so that wouldn't be him with his nose pressed up against that window then"
"Ssshhhh, it's starting"

Cardie and Lou came down the Aisle to the Cagney and Lacey theme tune and timed there walk through the Double swing doors, me and Duke had put in place, perfectly.

Doomsday gave a brief introduction and then Danger got up to say a few words on what it meant to be accepted into the ranks of Brawl Hall. To be honest after 20 minutes I lost the thread a bit, I think I might have dozed off, one minute she was saying something about the "elite esprit de corps that make and shape the very world of online terrorism as they see fit, the shock troops of Zarathustra" ....then she was onto some guy called Daspin and a long monologue about Web TV, .....Some Drunk heckled her half way through about how he was going to "booby trap her doorstep", but he was swiftly dragged off by security.

I could see through the window that five or six of them were crowding around his car....and Danger went on a bit longer, there was some drinking from Silver Goblets and some stuff about Fire and some people waving sacrificial daggers, then a really big Fat guy came on called DV, and he read some sort of erotic story out loud....

Cardie was shifting from foot to foot and had a look on his face that said "what the hell have I got myself into" ? Eventually it ended and Cardie breathed a big sigh of relief, which caused a button to come off his shirt and hit some guy called Feebs in the eye, then he started to cry and some Guy in a turban threatened to fight him, and it all got a bit silly, Lady Ice hit someone with her clasp bag and Riot slipped on a wet patch and cracked his head open on the pulpit.

Me and Duke slipped out for a drink to celebrate.

Chapter four - The party.

The party Sprawled all over the Lawns of the Brawl Hall Mansion....I'd bought a Guest, A Lady Friend, Valkyrie, she tended to jabber a bit but was good company mostly, as far as the eye could see there were hideously repugnant maladjusted social misfits getting hammered and making idiots of themselves.

But it was pretty peaceful....Tahko got caught writing down registration numbers on his think pad using his forehead and the Security Guards OC and G.dog broke his arm and tried to smash his pad, it took them a couple of hours between them but it kept them occupied.

There was a full band in the Marquee and Cardie and Lou took the first dance, I had never seen to men do Disco together before and it was pretty obvious they hadn't discussed beforehand who was leading and so forth..... I helped them Load Lou into the Ambulance, the Throw and catch move was ambitious, but they seemed to think it was only heavy bruising of the Coccyx and not an actual break.

Then I got a jug of wine and chatted with valk.

"whose that funny looking guy who keeps talking to himself?"

I looked over.......he was sat reciting some lines....

"don Doomsday...I would like to thank you for inviting me to the home on the day of your Daughters Wedd, No...Don Doomsday I would like to thank you for allowing me into your home on this day when a new Reg has been Appointed and present you with this Book Of Scat Pictures to further show my appreciation and I pledge my Loyalty....No, Don Doomsday..I have a Book of Shit Pictures that I would like to offer you on this day....."

"him....that's Bumspud....he works for Brawl Hall"

Suddenly the band struck up a lively beat and a Badly dressed woman with Huge Frizzy hair and too much make up began to lead the crowd in a Sing Along

"cosi tutte fantie...Cheeky Kissy Kissy...clueless menopausal house wife.....Oy Vay pasta deli crap Amore!"

it was a grating sound...

"what is that Italian?" , Valk asked
"nope"
"is it Hassidic , Jewish or something"
"no , no, it's Gibberish, Every gathering ElleBandito insists on singing"
"is she dancing as well"
"possibly or she got a chicken bone stuck in her throat"
"it's really annoying...."
"I know, it's been known to send people Over the edge"
"they cross a line?"
"dude, they crossed the Line"

"so whose this....?"

it was a spindly little guy, his ribs sticking through his suit jacket, and what appeared to be faeces clinging to his chin.

"it's hellraiser....he will be here to see Doomsday...the fat guy with the funny walk, that's Fumunda Cheeze"
"why does he walk like he crapped himself?"
"err , he has a problem with his testicles...I don't want to talk about it too much"
"they are going inside?"
"they will be here to see Doomsday, it's a flaming tradition that no Flaming Board admin can turn away a request on the day of a new reg appointment, Dooms did Hellraiser a favour a while Back"
"what?"

"hell wanted his band to appear at a local venue but the manager wouldn't book them, he said they were "droning repetitive shite"
"so what happened?"

"Doomsday took Bumspud to see the Guy....Spuddy put a typing wand against his head and Dooms made him an offer he couldn't refuse"

"what was that?"

"that either he signed the booking slip for the band or Spud and Mo Green would Spam his Local Music Forum back to the stone age with huge panoramic Gifs"

Valk looked shocked....

"that's this flaming family Valk.....It's Not Me"
"whose Mo Green?"
"that Hispanic guy over there carrying the Painting of the moon"

elsewhere...

Dooms - "you come to me and ask me for a favour....on this day I can't refuse. as is the tradition"
HellRaiser - "Don Dooms, I need a forum....I want to Mod a forum, a forum of my own....others were selected over me, this Modding would be perfect for me"
Dooms - "I have forums...I gots plenty of forums..."
Hellraiser (weeping) - "I beg you Don, please....I will be a good Mod, I will discuss stuff like Horror Movies and Goth Metal..."
Dooms -(slapping him)- "Act like a man....come in Here Crying like a girl, "boo hoo Don Doomsday...I want a forum"...sickening."
Hell - "I'm sorry...Godfather"
Dooms - "you will have your forum...now go, Enjoy the Party"
Hell - "many thanks Don Dooms...May I kiss your ring?"
Dooms - "not right now.....some of the Lasagne has disagreed with Me"

Hellraiser leaves the Study....Dooms Turns to Ladr, his Consigliore

Dooms - "is that the last of it?"

Ladr - "Don Prowlerzini is here....he wants to discuss this new Business, this Faglaming that is on the rise."

Dooms - "I don't care for it.....it is one thing to have it for the Minorities...keep it isolated in the Ghetto's , with the Homosexuals and the drool cases but I don't want us dabbling....."

Ladr - "it could be the Future Don Doomsday , we keep it away from the children, there is money to be made and if we don't do it you can be sure the other members of the Five Flaming families will be looking to do it"

Dooms - "mmm, I will listen to what they have to say....But I want you to send Bumspud, send him to Daspin and tell him to pose as if he is unhappy with the Way we are doing things....get them to trust him and see what we can find out.

ladr - "ok..Unless the stupid fuckers leave there secret forums open again....I will tell him , he has a gift for you anyway"

Dooms - "is it another book of shit?"

Ladr - "I'm not sure...."

Dooms - "gack....pass me a drink will you, some cotton wool just went down the Wrong way"

elsewhere...

As we were leaving the Party Cardie ran over....he was a bit flustered and covered in mayonnaise...I didn't ask.

"hey cardie...enjoying yourself?"
"yeah...they gave me a custom title and everything"
"Great....anyway, we better go , by the way, I thought your mother was coming"
"oh she was but it was six back to back Rockford Files episodes on today....she had a bucket of Marshmallows and wasn't moving for anything, especially not some silly Flame board thing...I used the Reg thing as a chance to tell her I was still technically a virgin...I thought they might balance each other out"
"didn't work eh?"
"no...not really".
"ah well , no one will read this anyway....see ya"