(Sexist Insults)

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
~ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
~ They're married.

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
~ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
~ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
~ We don't know; it has never happened.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
~ They don't stop and ask for directions.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
~ You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
~ A widow.

What do men and sperm have in common?
~ They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Why do men break wind more than women?
~ Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
~ The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
~ A woman that won't do what she's told.

Why did the man cross the road?
~ He heard the chicken was a slut.

I married Miss Right.
~ I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
~ I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
~ Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
~ It's called a wedding cake.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
~ He buys two cases of beer.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
~ They already have boyfriends.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
~ Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me,"What's on the TV?"
~ I said, "Dust."

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
~ Both of them.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
~ The bonds mature.