Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

~ It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

~ If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

~ If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

~ When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

~ Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

~ I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

~ Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

~ I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

~ I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

~ The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

~ I'd rather be rich than stupid.

~ I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

~ When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

~ To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

~ What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

~ We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

~ Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

~ I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

~ To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

~ Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

~ If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

~ You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

~ Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

~ If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

~ If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

~ I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

~ Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

~ If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

~ Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

~ Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

~ I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

~ If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

~ Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

~ If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

~ When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

~ Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

~ When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

~ Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

~ Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

~ If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

~ If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

~ Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

~ I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

~ I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

~ I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

~ If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

~ I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

~ Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

~ I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

~ It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

~ If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

~ I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

~I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.